Fierce Bob

To nobody’s surprise, Fox News announced this week that it is hiring the irrepressibly perky Sarah “Quitter” Palin as a political commentator. Evidently, they don’t feel that Glenn Beck’s show is enough to meet their audience’s need for sheer goofball nonsense. So they’re bringing in the big gun.

Sarah’s invaluable contributions started right away. Just check out the following excerpt from the official announcement:

“I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News,” Palin said in a statement posted on the network’s Web site. “It’s wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news,” she quipped.

Folks, this is the kind of hilarity that has cemented Palin’s reputation as one of the funniest unintentional comedians working today. She’s a hoot and a half, if you ask me.

Fox News Commentator is the perfect job for her. It will allow her to pretend to be thoughtful, and to make inane statements about the issues of the day, without having to face any pressure or cross questioning from those Liberal Media Elites who might expect her to actually make sense. She’ll be able to critique the job performance of those who have real responsibilities, without having to take on any herself.

I, for one, could not be happier. I’m certain that in her new role, Former Half-Term Governor Palin will provide us all with big laughs for years to come. Until she quits.

Tags: Fox News, Palin

Well, Friends, it looks like I’m about to get more first-hand experience with the US healthcare system. I had a PET/CT scan yesterday, as a followup to one I had a few months ago, and this one revealed that the spot I had on my lung previously has now grown into a small tumor. It’s only one centimeter in size, approximately, but is situated close to my airway, which means they can’t do a biopsy. So we’ll have to pull it out of there before we know exactly what it is.

Fortunately, I’m currently covered by a HIPAA insurance plan – the only kind I qualify for with my medical history. I’ll be finding out soon just how much my $611 per month is buying me in coverage.

I hope I don’t end up adding to the statistics for people who are forced into bankruptcy by medical bills. Remember that a large percentage of such people do have health insurance.

In less than three years I have gone from having no debt, and money in the bank, to being in a pretty deep hole. And now I’ve just gotten my third cancer diagnosis.

Folks, please write to your Representatives in Congress, to your Senators, and to President Obama, and urge them to get some kind of meaningful healthcare reform bill passed.

We have to start somewhere.

Amazingly, the controversy continues to rage over whether the Obama administration is manly enough to deal with terrorists, given the President’s decision to abide by multiple international agreements our nation signed onto decades ago, and the bounds of common humanity. Evidently, people who are willing to order other people to torture bad guys are much more macho than people who aren’t. At least in some people’s minds.

For the record, we here at FierceBob.com have a strict no-torture policy. Basically, that just means that nobody is forced to read anything here.

But I continue to hear a lot about how waterboarding isn’t really torture, as it leaves no lasting scars or other physical damage. Astute readers will be able to spot the flaw in that argument right away, but it keeps cropping up nonetheless.

I have a suggestion for the proponents of waterboarding. Instead of hanging around at Tea Parties, which you must admit is a weird thing to do if you’re claiming to be tougher than somebody else, I suggest having Waterboarding Parties.

These can be held in backyards, or anywhere there’s a ready supply of water. Attendees can take turns being waterboarded, to prove that it isn’t torture.

I’d suggest having a doctor on hand, because it’s well known that getting too much water into your lungs can have lasting health effects. Like death, for example, which is right up there on the scale of things that are lasting. So the amount of water inhaled by the partiers should be monitored closely.

I’d also recommend not mixing alcohol consumption with the application of this technique, again because of the possibility of those longer-term effects.

Once thousands of Real Americans have voluntarily subjected themselves to waterboarding, Liberal Pantywaists who refuse to order other people to undergo it won’t be able to claim it’s really torture anymore.

And if it turns out that you decide it is torture, after all, well, at least you won’t have learned that from the Liberal Media.

I hope people will understand that in making this suggestion, I’m just trying to be helpful. By the way, when you get one of these Waterboarding Parties organized, be sure to drop me a line. I’d love to attend one as an observer.

Tags: torture, waterboarding

By now, I’m sure almost nobody has missed the video of Susan Boyle appearing on Britain’s got talent. This frumpy, impossibly ancient woman (47! who knew humans could live that long?), who looks as though she’s having a bad hair life, takes the stage, acts cheeky, says she’s “never been kissed” and then floors everyone by having a rather good voice.

Everybody seems to love the way the audience first rolls their eyes at her, and then leaps to their feet cheering as she begins to sing.

But now I read the shocking news that a) she HAS been kissed and was only saying that to garner sympathy from the audience, that b), the audience reactions to her initial appearance may have been edited in, and that b) she was not an absolute unknown and in fact was recruited to be on the show.

I’m aghast. Is reality television actually manipulated to make it more entertaining? Horrors! I don’t know how I’m going to go on, knowing this.

What’s next? Is somebody going to write an article revealing that professional wrestling is fake? Oh, the humanity.

Tags: Britain's Got Talent, Susan Boyle

I probably shouldn’t tell you this, since by announcing the news here I will be preempting President Obama. But I’m too excited to keep it to myself.

I, Fierce Bob, am going to be appointed Treasury Secretary later today. The official announcement will be made by the President at the same time as he announces that he has asked for Timothy Geithner’s resignation. Geithner is just too drab for such an exciting post. Fierce Bob, of course, is a spellbinding public speaker, and as such will do a far better job of calming the financial markets than that tired old bureaucrat.

Barack and I go way back, of course, and when he called me with the news, he said, “I don’t know what I was thinking, appointing a stiff from the New York financial establishment for this position. Obviously, we need a rock star. And you’re the man.”

Obama, you will note, never says, “You de man.”

He went on to say, “Of course you understand that we really have no idea what to do with the economy. So your job will be to distract everybody while we pack up and skip town with the rest of the TARP money. We can meet up in the Seychelles later. I’ll save you a few billion for your trouble. As a bonus, you can arrest Paul Krugman for being a depressing douchebag before you leave Washington.”

Happy April 1st, everyone. I know I didn’t fool you, but it was fun for me.

Today’s cheery thought of the day is one that is emblazoned on one of the fine T-Shirts available from my store. It occurred to me one day back in the nineties, when I was speaking to a person who had a degree in marketing. She seemed incapable of saying something that didn’t come from one of those motivational posters that used to be so popular.

Here’s the thought:

“There’s no I in team, but there are two in idiot.”

By the way, astute readers may have noticed that there was no Cheery Thought for yesterday. All I can say is, that does happen.

Tags: cheery thought

Today’s CT of the D comes from my mother, who used to be fond of saying, “It’s always either fast or famine.”

I think I get my essential optimism from her.

There seem to be two camps concerning our present economic situation. There’s the Obama, Geithner, Summers camp. They think they know what they’re doing and what the economy needs to get going again.

Then there’s the Krugman, Wolfe, etc., camp, who think that the Obama camp is all wrong and either isn’t doing enough or is doing too much.

Clearly, both camps can’t be right. But here’s the cheery thought. They could both be wrong! If so, we’ll never really know. The future may reveal that Obama, Geithner, and Summers were wrong, but it won’t tell us about anyone else’s plans, because those plans won’t have been tried.

Do you feel better now?

Tags: cheery thought, Obama

Starting today, I am introducing a new feature.  It’s the Cheery Thought of the Day.

Today’s thought, which occurred to me while scanning the headlines this morning:

If it’s not one thing, it’s two or more.

Last weekend, after fatuous gasbag Rush Limbaugh wowed the crowed at CPAC (the Conservative Political Action Conference), Michael Steele, the newly elected RNC chairman appeared on the D.L. Hughley Show on CNN. Appearing, as always, to be an intelligent, reasonable man, he bridled when Hughley referred to Limbaugh as “the de facto leader of the Republican Party.” Steele asserted that he, himself was the defacto leader of the party.  (Technically, he’s the actual leader, not just the de facto leader.  But maybe he never studied latin.)

He then went on to say that Rush is “an entertainer” and that some of the things he says are “incendiary” and “ugly.” I’d have to say that’s a fair assessment.

Steele’s comments incited a huge backlash among conservative bloggers and pundits, who spent several days talking about how “this is not what the party needs.” Finally, Steele caved in, and offered a kind of mealy-mouthed apology, saying that he had reviewed the tape, and has seen that his words hadn’t come out right. He hadn’t meant to say that Rush was an entertainer who says incendiary and ugly things. He meant that Rush was often used as a scapegoat by the left.

Hmmm. I find it hard to imagine what kind of mental process would have caused Steele to say what he said, if he had actually been thinking what he now says he thought.

In any case, all doubt has been removed as to who the de facto leader of the Republican Party is.

I now have two questions for Michael Steele. First, since you obviously did mean what you said in the first place, why is it, do you think, that Republicans are entertained by a pompous thug who says things that are incendiary and ugly?

Second, what are your future plans, now that you know you’re not really running the RNC? Are you just going to spend the next couple of years toadying?

Tags: CPAC, Hughley, Limbaugh, Michael Steele