Now I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think the medications were “overkill.” I think they were just “kill.”

Steve Jobs announces a product so terrifyingly new and mind bogglingly great that we have to tell you about it now, even though it won’t be available for a year. Not because we can’t make it yet. But because you’re not ready for it yet.

The new iPhone uses an antenna technology that is the most advanced new thing in the history of newness. We didn’t just think outside the box on this one, we obliterated the box.

This isn’t just the greatest invention in history. It’s the greatest invention that will ever be. Even we will never be able to top it.

That’s why we’re calling it the iPhone iNfinity.

In the iPhone 4, we moved the antenna from the inside of the phone to the outside. It got incredible reception, until people started messing with it. Like holding it and touching it and stuff.

So did we move the antenna back inside the phone? We did not.

The new iPhone iNfinity has an external antenna that can pick up walkie talkie transmissions from Uzbekistan. From your basement. It pulls down DirectTV straight from the satellite. To your basement. It’s that good.

And to make sure you guys don’t hold the phone in such a way as to interfere with its awesome reception, that antenna is sharp.

The iPhone iNfinity is a glass slab, surrounded by two thin bands of nearly invisible titanium razor wire raised about a half inch from the surface. We’d like to see you try to put this bad boy in a death grip. You’ll lose a finger.

It almost screams, “Put me in a case, you fool!” In fact, the United States government is requiring us to put a label on it that says almost exactly that.

You’ll notice that I’m not touching the iPhone iNfinity now. Nor am I likely to. I’m not an idiot. So the demonstration’s pretty much over.

iPhone iNfinity.
We really recommend the case.

Take, for example, the comment I saw on a CNN story about the Deep Horizon oil catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico. I’m not going to reproduce this gem of a post verbatim, because I can’t bring myself to massacre the english language that badly, even in a direct quote, but the fellow essentially said everyone was making far too big a fuss over the spill. He wanted to know how it could possibly be a problem for something that is in the earth to be on top of the earth. Seriously.

I suppose this guy wouldn’t mind if someone were to dig up some uranium and spread it around his front lawn. Or open up a vent and allow some hot lava to fill up his living room.

And of course, every time somebody makes any kind of inane comment, somebody else has to come along and call him a fag, or an idiot, or a communist, or (worst of all) a liberal. And then someone else chimes in and fans the flames, and they’re off on a pinhead race.

Part of the problem, of course, is that for many years, so many people who haven’t had a single coherent thing to say in their entire lives have been paid good money to bloviate like the gasbags they are on radio and television. They make it look easy and fun. Their gibbering opinions and speculation have almost entirely replaced actual news reporting.

Of course, in the rare instance when someone with a modicum of intelligence and perception takes the time to offer a few sage words, he or she will also be jumped on and called a fag, an idiot, a communist, or whatever.

And then these websites all put up that TalkBack button, giving every nitwit with access to his mother’s PC the idea that somehow, everybody wants to know what he or she thinks. I’m sure that’s a powerful lure for them, since in their daily lives all anyone ever says to them is will you please shut the fuck up. So they click away, furrow their overhanging brows, and hunt and peck up another masterpiece of jackassery.

It’s all a gigantic waste of hard drive storage space, computer processing power, and network bandwidth, if you ask me. Which you didn’t, I know. I just couldn’t stand it anymore.

I could be wrong about this, but I’m not.

Sarah’s invaluable contributions started right away. Just check out the following excerpt from the official announcement:

“I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News,” Palin said in a statement posted on the network’s Web site. “It’s wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news,” she quipped.

Folks, this is the kind of hilarity that has cemented Palin’s reputation as one of the funniest unintentional comedians working today. She’s a hoot and a half, if you ask me.

Fox News Commentator is the perfect job for her. It will allow her to pretend to be thoughtful, and to make inane statements about the issues of the day, without having to face any pressure or cross questioning from those Liberal Media Elites who might expect her to actually make sense. She’ll be able to critique the job performance of those who have real responsibilities, without having to take on any herself.

I, for one, could not be happier. I’m certain that in her new role, Former Half-Term Governor Palin will provide us all with big laughs for years to come. Until she quits.

Fortunately, I’m currently covered by a HIPAA insurance plan – the only kind I qualify for with my medical history. I’ll be finding out soon just how much my $611 per month is buying me in coverage.

I hope I don’t end up adding to the statistics for people who are forced into bankruptcy by medical bills. Remember that a large percentage of such people do have health insurance.

In less than three years I have gone from having no debt, and money in the bank, to being in a pretty deep hole. And now I’ve just gotten my third cancer diagnosis.

Folks, please write to your Representatives in Congress, to your Senators, and to President Obama, and urge them to get some kind of meaningful healthcare reform bill passed.

We have to start somewhere.

For the record, we here at FierceBob.com have a strict no-torture policy. Basically, that just means that nobody is forced to read anything here.

But I continue to hear a lot about how waterboarding isn’t really torture, as it leaves no lasting scars or other physical damage. Astute readers will be able to spot the flaw in that argument right away, but it keeps cropping up nonetheless.

I have a suggestion for the proponents of waterboarding. Instead of hanging around at Tea Parties, which you must admit is a weird thing to do if you’re claiming to be tougher than somebody else, I suggest having Waterboarding Parties.

These can be held in backyards, or anywhere there’s a ready supply of water. Attendees can take turns being waterboarded, to prove that it isn’t torture.

I’d suggest having a doctor on hand, because it’s well known that getting too much water into your lungs can have lasting health effects. Like death, for example, which is right up there on the scale of things that are lasting. So the amount of water inhaled by the partiers should be monitored closely.

I’d also recommend not mixing alcohol consumption with the application of this technique, again because of the possibility of those longer-term effects.

Once thousands of Real Americans have voluntarily subjected themselves to waterboarding, Liberal Pantywaists who refuse to order other people to undergo it won’t be able to claim it’s really torture anymore.

And if it turns out that you decide it is torture, after all, well, at least you won’t have learned that from the Liberal Media.

I hope people will understand that in making this suggestion, I’m just trying to be helpful. By the way, when you get one of these Waterboarding Parties organized, be sure to drop me a line. I’d love to attend one.  Strictly as an observer, of course.

Everybody seems to love the way the audience first rolls their eyes at her, and then leaps to their feet cheering as she begins to sing.

But now I read the shocking news that a) she HAS been kissed and was only saying that to garner sympathy from the audience, that b), the audience reactions to her initial appearance may have been edited in, and that b) she was not an absolute unknown and in fact was recruited to be on the show.

I’m aghast. Is reality television actually manipulated to make it more entertaining? Horrors! I don’t know how I’m going to go on, knowing this.

What’s next? Is somebody going to write an article revealing that professional wrestling is fake? Oh, the humanity.

I, Fierce Bob, am going to be appointed Treasury Secretary later today. The official announcement will be made by the President at the same time as he announces that he has asked for Timothy Geithner’s resignation. Geithner is just too drab for such an exciting post. Fierce Bob, of course, is a spellbinding public speaker, and as such will do a far better job of calming the financial markets than that tired old bureaucrat.

Barack and I go way back, of course, and when he called me with the news, he said, “I don’t know what I was thinking, appointing a stiff from the New York financial establishment for this position. Obviously, we need a rock star. And you’re the man.”

Obama, you will note, never says, “You de man.”

He went on to say, “Of course you understand that we really have no idea what to do with the economy. So your job will be to distract everybody while we pack up and skip town with the rest of the TARP money. We can meet up in the Seychelles later. I’ll save you a few billion for your trouble. As a bonus, you can arrest Paul Krugman for being a depressing douchebag before you leave Washington.”

Happy April 1st, everyone. I know I didn’t fool you, but it was fun for me.

Here’s the thought:

“There’s no I in team, but there are two in idiot.”

By the way, astute readers may have noticed that there was no Cheery Thought for yesterday. All I can say is, that does happen.

I think I get my essential optimism from her.