Due to a temporal misalignment in my Interweb/video system, I caught the following transmission, which is, evidently, from the future.
Steve Jobs announces a product so terrifyingly new and mind bogglingly great that we have to tell you about it now, even though it won’t be available for a year. Not because we can’t make it yet. But because you’re not ready for it yet.
The new iPhone uses an antenna technology that is the most advanced new thing in the history of newness. We didn’t just think outside the box on this one, we obliterated the box.
This isn’t just the greatest invention in history. It’s the greatest invention that will ever be. Even we will never be able to top it.
That’s why we’re calling it the iPhone iNfinity.
In the iPhone 4, we moved the antenna from the inside of the phone to the outside. It got incredible reception, until people started messing with it. Like holding it and touching it and stuff.
So did we move the antenna back inside the phone? We did not.
The new iPhone iNfinity has an external antenna that can pick up walkie talkie transmissions from Uzbekistan. From your basement. It pulls down DirectTV straight from the satellite. To your basement. It’s that good.
And to make sure you guys don’t hold the phone in such a way as to interfere with its awesome reception, that antenna is sharp.
The iPhone iNfinity is a glass slab, surrounded by two thin bands of nearly invisible titanium razor wire raised about a half inch from the surface. We’d like to see you try to put this bad boy in a death grip. You’ll lose a finger.
It almost screams, “Put me in a case, you fool!” In fact, the United States government is requiring us to put a label on it that says almost exactly that.
You’ll notice that I’m not touching the iPhone iNfinity now. Nor am I likely to. I’m not an idiot. So the demonstration’s pretty much over.
iPhone iNfinity.
We really recommend the case.
